Atonement

I’m Busisiwe Lisa Timna Ngowapi, I’m 25, a Pisces my moon is in Scorpio and my Venus in Aries and probably the worst person you’ve ever had to encounter. I am kind, considerate and not a selfish being [if you were lucky enough to meet me as such]. Coins have two sides and intentionally or not so do I; I am selfish, I am rude, I’m manipulative (intentionally or not).

My name is Lisa Ngowapi, I am 12, I’m a Pisces and so is my mom and I’m scared that ‘is’ will be a ‘was’ soon. I don’t know where my brothers moon is but his Sun is in Libra and he is just as terrified; But it’s okay because one day I’m going to write the greatest play ever and Kamva will be as bright as the sun.

I’m…am I? I’m 14, 16 God no I’m 18, here we are at 21 please nothing after. My name is [redacted] and I’m 24 and I really can’t hold on anymore.

xxx

It’s so easy to make words pretty if you’re looking for a wall to hide behind. It’s so hard however to live behind beautiful stained glass and you can’t see the rays of the sun shine against it. For the purpose of what this is to me I’ll try to write this as clearly as possible.

Yes I’m hurt and woe is me; life sucks yada-Yada I have no one. But I’ve had chances to switch that around (very hard to be honest here) and I’ve had SO MANY people try to pull me out of my own ass, but I realize now; hopefully not too late that it was just easier to crawl into myself and die. I’ve spent 365 days of so many years just trying to die and when that doesn’t work I do what (let the church say in unison) “crawl into myself and die”.

It’s so lonely, to sit in the darkness by yourself and all your demons. Drunk to not think, high to not hear just always in a state of otherness to not feel. I wish I was strong enough to have been there for myself, if only life didn’t seem lie something I was waiting to end, there was no end of the tunnel cause bitch you were walking in the valley!!!

Goddamn METHAPHORS!

I’m sorry to the people I’ve hurt along the way, I don’t think there are anyyyyy words to describe how devastating it’s been to be without so many of them that I’ve lost because I felt like too much of a burden to stay. I was though, that’s just it…when I think of what I’ve put the people I love through just because I couldn’t get a grip on myself. Self isolating to protect myself while quite literally fucking up so many relationships and still expecting them to be there for me regardless; worst part is they were.

I wish so badly that I had been more open.

More than anything I wish I had been kinder, Less selfish.

I wish I had been just one version of myself always

Dying inside (yes)

But so happy to be with so much love, selflessness and the unconditional, unwavering love that’s been showered on me since my mom gave life to me in ‘99.

I wish I was 12, I had Yolanda; my mother would be fine…my brother is still the sun and my name was Always Lisa Ngowapi and I’d write the greatest play ever.

I’ve figured out what the biggest thing I’ve had to understand and deal with and that’s shame. I’m so deeply ashamed that I didn’t die all those times I’ve tried, more ashamed of even trying.

Shame for how I’ve treated my mother, brother, grandmother…man my whole family.

Shame for the friends that tried to help me and got nothing but TRAUMA for doing so.

Shame for the friends I have right now that I can see I’m already losing (please please I really love y’all don’t leave losers